Ep#27 Three things to consider when you have a toxic relationship in your life

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Relationships are an integral part of our human experience. We have a deep primal need to be part of a group, to be loved, to love, to feel safe and cared for. A relationship is the one thing that can fulfill all six of our basic human needs in a way that nothing else can. Millions of books have been written on the subject, and if you’re like me, you love a good love story.

Although our relationships can be a source of intense pleasure, love, and connection, it can also be soul crushing, frustrating and downright painful.

Sometimes, we find ourselves in a relationship (not necessarily intimate) that is very toxic and destructive.

Verrywellmind.com define a toxic relationship as:

A relationship is toxic when your well-being is threatened in some way—emotionally, psychologically, and even physically.

In an article on their website they explain that a toxic relationship is one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked. On a basic level, any relationship that makes you feel worse rather than better can become toxic over time.

Toxic relationships can exist in just about any context, from the playground to the boardroom to the bedroom. You may even deal with toxic relationships among your family members.

We all have relationships where we don’t feel supported but we need to be aware when that relationship tips over into the world of toxicity.

There are so many things that could make a relationship toxic but something I realized is that it could also be way more subtle than emotional or physical abuse. It could also be toxic simply because there is a ton of drama.

Sometimes, we can do everything humanly possible to contribute positively to a relationship but it still doesn’t change the circumstances or the person's perspective.

So, how do you know when it’s time to distance yourself from this person or let go of this relationship entirely?

Here are three questions you can ask and pointers to check in on to see whether some distance might be a good thing and also create more awareness so that you can protect your energy and emotions.

1. Do you or others talk about this person or relationship a lot?

Does it come up a lot during other conversations?

You want to check in here and ask yourself how often you’re actually talking about the problem or the difficult relationship. How much energy are you giving it?

When you understand that you control the energy you give it…this in itself can release a lot of tension and already make you feel better. Simply by just taking your attention away from it.

2. Is this person always making you wrong and them right?

Are they willing to listen to your perspective? (Assuming you are listening to theirs).

Do they get angry and verbally abusive or perhaps even manipulative?

Is it possible to create boundaries around this relationship? Maybe it’s not possible to remove this person from your life entirely but perhaps you could create clear boundaries by meeting them in public rather than inviting them into your home.

3. How do you feel after you interacted with them?

In my case…I always have the feeling of “the sky is falling” when I spoke to this person. I know that creating this feeling within me might not be their intention, but it is definitely creating anxiety within me and I know they are not open to understanding my perspective on it either.

This is a clear indication that some distance will be a good thing.

Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself and trust when something inside you tells you to cut the ties, get some distance, or seek help.

You deserve to feel safe, supported, and loved.

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