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Stop Outsourcing Approval

Let’s talk about seeking approval, or external validation.

We all want to be liked, we want to know that we’re doing a good job. We want to feel like we’re enough. We want people to be proud of us. 

But When we seek approval from outside of us, we set ourselves up for disappointment.

Sure it is nice to get it. The ego loves it. But I don’t want you to wait for it or to set it as a requirement for you to live your life. To do the things YOU want to do.

When you live life according to what others are going to be okay with, you create a life filled with what you don’t want. When you outsource your approval when you outsource validation, you are letting others decide for you. You are letting others decide what is good for you and your life. What you should do and shouldn’t do.

This is a sure way to feel anxious and never enough.

Stop seeking approval and validation from others. You don’t need thier approval. You don’t need their validation. You only need yours.

You are the one that needs to live with your decisions. You need to like them. 

John Welwood used an analogy of a castle in his book Love and Awakening. He said, imagine you are a castle. Every room in this castle is perfect, each room is filled with extraordinary gifts. Every room is a different aspect of who you are, and each room is an integral part of who you are. As children, we explore every inch of this castle. Without judgment or shame. We fearlessly explored and searched every room for the gifts inside it. You embraced each room for what it was. Regardless of whether it was a bedroom, a bathroom, a kitchen, a basement. Then one day, someone visited your castle. And they told you this room shouldn’t be in here. This room shouldn’t be this colour, or have this piece of furniture in it.  And you wanted their love and acceptance and so you shut the door to that room, you put the key away. And you avoided ever going into that room, as time passed you even forgot that room was there. 

As you grew older, more people visited, more rooms were shut. Sometimes those rooms were closed because of fear, sometimes, they were closed because you saw that other peoples castles didn’t contain those rooms.

What happened was your castle shrunk and before you knew it, you were left with a two bedroom house that needs a shit ton of repair work.

When we seek approval we are asking someone outside of ourselves what they think about our rooms?

Sometimes we even seek approval from people who don’t like us, or who we don’t like. 

Everyone has a different perspective. A different lens through which they view the world. 

They don’t share your beliefs, your thoughts, your experiences. 

They have an entirely different view point. It doesn’t mean that one is right and one is wrong. It just means it’s different. They don’t see things the way you see them. 

Think about this.

If someone has been brought up their entire life to believe that the butter dish should be in the cupboard and not in the fridge. If they have been taught as a child that that’s where it should go. If they have been doing it their entire life. They have never questioned that belief. That is just their default. That’s where they put it. And you all of a sudden ask them whether they think it’s a good idea to put the butter dish in the fridge. What do you think they will say?

If you went to someone who has the same beliefs as you and they agree with you that it should go in the fridge you will feel like you’re right. You know what you’re doing.

But trying to find someone who agrees with you on everything all the time is exhausting.

We need to learn how to trust ourselves. How to stand in our own decisions. How to take ownership of ourselves, our lives, and how we choose to live and spend our time.

If you are always waiting for someone to tell you that you made a good choice here then you will find yourself in the wrong often.

Do what feels right for you. And accept that some will agree with you and praise you for it. Others won’t.

You can choose to love both sides anyway.

This is the work we do in my Wildly Aligned Coaching Program. We spend six months together to open those doors you shut down. You will learn how to trust yourself again, how to make confident decisions and move forward towards the life you want to create for yourself. You will learn how to set healthy boundaries in your life, be present to what matters most, and create a life you are excited to wake up to every morning.

If you want to succeed in both life and business you must master your time, money, and mind. This is where you will learn how. Welcome to the Wildly Aligned podcast, I’m your host, master certified coach Ilonka Ras.

Let’s go!

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